The Misadventures of Jack and Jill

grandmother hubbard, to keep food in her cupbord

and pay the rent
on her shoe

sent little jill moffet and her cousin jack

to find some work to do

young jack horner found a secure corner

with jill in the royal kitchen

it was really quite modern
-- it had 'running water'

their job was, 'run', do the fetch'n

the the royal well was up a hill

at a distance of about one mile

a precarious climb, took lots of time

but the water in the moat was vile

said jack to jill, 'to climb that hill

with the well, we must move faster'

but jill nudged jack, he nudged her back,

they broke into a peal of laughter

so into the slop the bucket did drop

and came up black as a blotter

now, with time to kill, and their bucket of swill,

to pass off as kitchen water

they sat on the wall, but had a great fall

and the pail came splashing after

all the kings horses and all the kings men

went up the hill with the bucket again

they too, fell down, broke the king's crown

and the king came screaming after

jill and jack were given the sack

and meanwhile
back at their shoe...

old mother hubbard went to the cupboard

to open a tin of stew

but her little dog laughed, 'old woman, you're daft!

the cupboard
you'll find so bare!

why, even the spoon, with an amorous dish has eloped to las vegas, so there!

'the cat was ask'n

for the fiddle for busk'n

and since, he hasn't been seen

he said his first act is

in london -- must practice

he hopes to play for the queen'

said hubbard, 'well, now, we've still got our cow'

'you forget so soon! the bean

and the commodities trader, who wiped jack clean

he turned around and made a killing

he sold it to NASA for many a shilling

who sent it into orbit in search of the moon'

laughed the dog, 'funnier than loony toons!'

finally jack and jill returned to their shoe

with their severance pay, and feeling quite blue

'oh granny dear, we sadly fear,

our royal job we've lost!'

'you naughty kids! you've lost your lids!

do you know how much food costs?

I'll whip you both soundly and send you to bed

and feed you broth...'

'not me!' jack said

and out he did hurry to the neighbour, mary

and jill came running after

now teacher mary, could be quite contrary

-- intolerant of laughter

contrary mary had a lamb,
his fleece was white as snow

he accompanied her to her class, and he helped her garden grow

'teacher mary, quite contrary,

what grows upon your land?'

'what grows? I wouldn't know

you'll have to ask the lamb'

'...so, lamb?'

'(call me sam)

er -- that bean you bought with your cow'

'the magic bean? it hasn't been seen

since the day we had that row!'

'it's really quite grand, it

grew where it landed

look out back, you'll see it right now!'

jack looked up, couldn't see the top

and turned to say to jill,

'shall we climb? i think it's time

it would be quite a thrill

then, who (diddle diddle) should arrive with his fiddle?

but the cat, who was looking quite ill

'pussy cat, pussy cat,
where have you been?'

'i've been to london
to play for the queen.'

'pussy cat, pussy cat,
how much did you earn there?'

'hardly enough to cover the bus fair'

'but why (diddle diddle) did they pay you so little?

their budget is over the moon!'

'...and her corgis laughed
and gave me a fright...'

'...and why are you home so soon?'

'a diller a euro, a ten 'o clock bureau-

crat said i must be out by noon

plus, old king cole, being a merry old soul,

already employs fiddlers, three

they play for their supper of white bread and butter

but the rest they do for free

but you, master jack, why are you back

so soon from the royal court?'

'alas,' said jill, 'they said, "you will

bake a pie", but jack miss-heard

instead of "berries" numbering four and twenty

jack thought that they said "bird"

(what he heard as "bird",
was a reference to his brain

but hear the rest, it's quite insane)

so off he went to catch the winged critters

to bake inside the pie

bought the lard for a song and sixpence

and a pocket full of rye

but when the pie was open

jack's birds began to sing

songs of euros and sixpence

and all that sort of thing

so both of us were unceremoniously ejected

from the royal kitchen

and demoted to the job of royal water fetch'n'

now the little cat laughed to hear such a tail

that his spirits went over the moon

he no longer looked ill, so jack and jill

said, 'c'mon, let's have some fun'

teacher mary,

being quite contrary

warned, jack, 'be nimble, jack be quick

when jumping over my bean pole stick'

so doing, jack and jill went up the beans talk

and the cat came climbing after

and so did the lamb, whose name was sam

while mary was none the dafter

they reached the top, and had to stop

the beanstalk went no higher

said jack to jill, the cat and sam

'what now? you know, i am no flyer'

said sam, 'let's eat. i've found a treat --

these beans, along the way

in kurdistan, i understand,

they eat the beans this way.'

so, little jill moffet, used a leaf for a tuffet,

sat, eating the kurdish way

while little jack horner found a leafy corner

and frightened the spiders away

but the beans they ate made them flatulate

so strongly, it propelled them upward

so did they begin, from the gas within,

to fly, though they felt awkward

up-up they went, by gas they were sent

with beans for rocket fuel

up to a home, where the giants roam

and other things most cruel

they came to a road, and down it they strode

across the cloudy floor

at mile post two jack buckled his shoe

at mile post four they came to a door

its height was six (in meters). 'oh styx!

my watch says eight, let's lay this this straight'

said the cat. 'it's much too late to be home by ten.'

so they knocked at the door, and a big fat hen

invited them into the kitchen, and then

jack asked, 'pray tell, who your master?'

'a tinker, a tailor, a soldier, a sailor,

a rich man, a poor man and a beggar man,'

was her clucking answer.

'a greedy lot are they; can you take me away?

I've had it up to here!'

she took a look out the window and shook,

and with a cackle, said, 'oh dear!'

to the window ran jack, jill, sam and the cat

outside were seven bearded men

tall they were, yes, but almost as fat

they saw fear in the eyes of the hen

'hi ho, hi ho, and a fi fie fo fum

to home from our various occupations we've come

we've dillied and dallied throughout the day

done crosswords and twittled our thumbs'

at the sight of the men, jack grabbed the hen

and into the great oven they hid

on the count of four, they shut the door

it's just as well that they did

announced the tinker,
'dear tailor, brave soldier, swaggering sailor,

gentle rich man,
humble poor man,

fine beggar-man,
amongst us there dwells a thief.'

spake the tailor, 'you stinker!

though crafty, you're no thinker.

your occupation as a tinker

makes you suspect of giving us grief!

Said the poor man, 'you pig!

your a racist and a prig!

I say, it's the bigwig:

what's made him rich beyond belief?'

cried the rich man, 'I'm all a flutter!

who pays the rent?
buys bread and butter?

who, but for me,
you'd be still in the gutter?'

'not you,' did the beggar-man utter.

'it's our gold laying hen who's brought us relief.

'our gold laying hen, she's fled for the hill,

go now, you lot, you may catch her still!'

he looked towards the oven and winked.

the other six strode to their horses and rode;

said the beggar-man, 'in here, I think.'

said the beggar-man to jack and sam,

don't worry yourselves, just a beggar I am

a beggar I was, a beggar I'll be

life in the gutter is no hardship for me

I'd just as soon they learned their lesson

for me, outdoor life will be a bless'n

said jack to the man, 'how flustered I am!

this story's all wrong!'
'and I,' said the lamb

'feel much the same.

I recognise that but for your size

you're the 7 dwarves of snow white fame!'

spake the beggar-man,
'you're not to blame.

you guessed 7 dwarves,
we're one and the same

but if you think that we're a sight

you should see the size of snow white!

'now, off you go, and take the hen

and return to where your journey began

and take this harp, it sings by itself.'

he gave them the instrument
from off the shelf

off they went the way they came

they reached the edge, but it looked the same

no beanstalk, no beans, no rocket fuel

said the lamb, 'what a world most cruel!'

little jill moffet, sat on her tuffet

thinking of words to say

along came a spider in a hang glider

and said, 'you folks going my way?'

they all hitched on and glided down

but the contraption began to totter

jack fell down and bunged his crown

and the hen came flapping after

jack came to, and wondered who

had brought him to his chamber

he wasn't dead, but in his bed

wrapped in vinegar and brown paper

in walked hubbard, 'there's food in the cupboard!

that hen that followed you home

was so big and fat that it filled the pot

it'll do till it's nine days old!'

... sad for the hen, and their prospects for gold

but not all was lost, for, so I am told

the cat still goes busk'n and for many a shilling

plays duets with the harp -- they make a killing!